Picture Perftect Crime
by laurydory
Summary: BJ is distraught when he can't find his most precious photo anywhere and he is sure that someone knows where it is. Bad summary, I apologise. A response to Hawkeye's Martini's Challenge no. 2. My first fanfic so please be gentle but R&R.


Disclaimer: Of course I don't own MASH! I wish.

Other disclaimer: I only have Season 2 on DVD and it isn't on free to air TV in Australia so I haven't seen the later episodes in a long time. Sorry if it is in any way out of character or whatever. Oh and sorry for the title... I'm no good at those.

"Where is it!?" BJ Hunnicut demanded his bunkmate. "I know you probably think this is funny but it's just too much!"

"Hello to you too." Hawkeye Pierce grinned from the doorway. "Well I'm not sure what I've done this time but nothing is ever too much for my best bud. In fact I have a whole lot of nothing... take it all"

"Shut it, Hawk. I'm serious. This one's special... it's not just another practical joke anymore... If anything happens to it..." BJ had risen threateningly up from under his cot, where he had been frantically searching for something.

"Really there's no need to get up." Hawk plopped down on his own bunk. "Look Beej I don't know what you're talking about but if you –"

"My photo!...The one of me with Erin and Peg. Where is it?"

"Beej, I love your family and all but come one why would I kidnap them. Although, perhaps then I could ask for some ransom." He switched voices to a corny imitation of the mob. "If you ever want to see your little angels again, hand over the cheesy moustache."

BJ wasn't listening. "I – well I don't know... you might... well where is it then?"

The door to the Swamp opened and Charles Emerson Winchester the third strolled through, a book in one hand. In one giant leap, BJ pounced on him, grabbed the book and began shaking it out.

"What are you doing you fool?! That is not only a classic novel but a gift from my dear sister Honoria. It does not deserve to be manhandled by some plebeian doctor with sanity issues."

Hawkeye was laughing so hard at the violated look on Charles' face and the monkey like antics of his friend which had caused it that he rolled backwards off the bunk. This of course only caused him to laugh even harder much to the disgust of both Charles and BJ.

"Look Beej," he finally managed, lifting his head up from the rather awkward position he found himself in. "Why don't you just settle down and sit down and we can make some sense of this."

"Real fine advice coming from a full grown Captain who is currently incapable of doing any of these things." BJ grumbled. Nonetheless, he handed Charles' book back and slumped into a chair.

"Well I for one would appreciate an explanation for this erratic behaviour. One would think I would be accustomed by now to your stupidity but apparently the two of you have a limitless supply with which to aggravate me." The balding Major was still red with anger.

"I think what Charles is trying to say is: spill it. What's the problem? Why is this photo so special?"

"Look Pierce -"

Hawkeye shot Charles a knowing look. "'Pierce'? Now I know I'm in trouble." He turned back to BJ, a contrite look on his face. "Yes Mummy?"

"Look _Pierce_," BJ continued, clearly not entertained. "You know full well why this photo is so special. It's the only one I have with me in it. It's the only one where we are- where we're a whole family."

The sound of his best-friends voice cracking with emotion almost broke Hawkeye's heart but he forced a reassuring smile onto his face and clasped the dejected man's shoulder.

"It'll turn up buddy. Don't you worry a bit. I feel it in these old bones." BJ looked up to see Hawk holding the arm of a plastic medical skeleton. A half smile tugged at his lips.

"Thanks Hawk, I appreciate the effort but... That photo is the only way I can imagine myself in their lives. I can almost pretend that I've been there with Erin ..." BJ trailed off looking down at his shoes.

"I assure you Hunnicut, if anyone in this camp has come across your photograph, it will be returned. I may be living among a pack of filthy, rotten lowlifes. But I have come to realise that they are, overall, dare I say, not- bad." Charles was still dusting off his novel and looking slightly hurt but he managed a cordial nod in BJ's direction.

"You're right Charles!" The chair flew backwards as the lanky Californian leapt from it and stalked out of the tent.

Hawkeye watched him march towards the hospital then turned to the other man.

"Aww gee Charles... you keep up all that sweet talk and yer gonna make me cry." He flung his arms around the neck of the other doctor and kissed him on the shiny forehead. "You were great by the way! I think we may have him fooled. I just hope Radar can keep him busy."

"Pierce," Charles was desperately trying to disentangle himself from the passionate embrace. "You may rest assured that my displeasure was in no way fabricated for your elaborate scheme. That book is a first edition, leather bound-"

The roar of Hawkeye's laughter filled the tent again drowning out the tirade of his colleague.

Meanwhile in Radar's office, BJ had a struggle on his hands.

"Sir I'm not sure I can do this..."

"Why not, Radar? If you don't want to then just give me the microphone and I'll do it."

"But Captain Hunnicut sir, the PA is only supposed to be used for... uh- for official military army related approved business sir."

"Since when!? Radar if you know something about my photo-" BJ towered sternly over the tiny corporal.

"No sir! Honest sir. I try not to know anything at all. Doctor's orders."

"Well then I'll just ask Colonel Potter to approve my announcement and we'll be all set." BJ started towards the swinging doors of the CO's office but Radar jumped in front of them.

"You can't go in there!"

"Look Radar, I'm losing patience. What is the problem?"

"Well, uh... it's just that...um... the colonel's not in there sir!"

A low rumbling came from beyond the door which turned out to be the aging Colonel Potter singing. _Daisy, daaisy...ladadeedadeedo... I'm soo crazy all for the love of yooouu._

"He is so."

"Uh well what I mean to say sir is that he is in there but he doesn't want to be. I mean, well he uh, he got a letter from his wife, yeah. Aaand... and now he's real low."

"Radar the man is singing. He sounds perfectly fine."

Radar leaned confidentially towards the taller man. "Yes sir, that's a real bad sign. He only does that when he's real upset 'bout something. I wouldn't go in there. Here, sir."

_Attention all personnel. This is your captain speaking._

BJ moodily took the microphone from Radars hands.

_This is Captain Hunnicut. I seem to have mysteriously misplaced a very treasured photograph of mine and would greatly appreciate it if someone would return it. Thankyou._

Hours later BJ was sitting sulkily in the mess tent brooding over a cup of coffee and a tray of something not too closely resembling food. The whole camp seemed to have gone mad. No one would look him in the eye when he asked them about his picture and most of them seemed to be avoiding him altogether. He was beginning to fear some terrible fate had befallen the precious photo.

"BJ my good man."

"Hello Father."

"I, uh- well, I hope the good Lord can forgive me. I have lied to you today. I do know who took your photograph and I did not tell you."

BJ jumped to his feet, disturbing the already disturbed tray of food. "Father! You know! Who was it?"

"It was Hawkeye."

"But why -" At that moment Hawkeye himself walked into the mess tent and BJ strode over to him. "Just what do you think you are doing! I can't believe you lied to me. You know how important –"

"Here." Hawkeye held out the source of all BJ's concern along with a couple of other photographs BJ hadn't noticed missing. One was of Peg looking particularly beautiful and the other was the latest one he had received of Erin. "Turns out I did kidnap your family but only temporarily. You can have them back now, good as new. And you don't even have to pay the ransom."

"I don't understand you Hawkeye!"

"Now son, you shouldn't be so hard on Pierce. After all, it may have been his idea but we were all in on it." Colonel Potter had appeared at BJ's shoulder and he was carrying something that made the distressed Captain forget all the worry of the day.

"Just a little something from all us folks to commemorate the little lady's birthday. Maybe you can show it to her in a few years time so she doesn't feel like you missed it all."

Despite himself BJ found tears welling up in his eyes as he looked at the beautiful painting his CO was presenting him. Smiling up from the canvas were himself, his wife and his gorgeous little girl, looking just how she would in not too many hours, blowing out the candles on an enormous pink cake.

"Well son? What do you think?"

"It's perfect."


End file.
